The pain was indescribably severe, permeating my entire body. It pulsed from my spine, draining the life from me. This must be what dying feels like, I thought. My spiritual father continued to pray for my spine, believing my traumas were anchored there. It made sense; the spine connects to the brainstem, where memories reside. Téo prayed God's love into me, channelling "Powerful Peace" through his hands into the deepest cells of my being. Jesus' peace permeated me. More, I craved, I need so much more.
Suddenly, the pain vanished, ripped away as if from an enemy's grasp. Inside, peace. Around me, a dark, repulsive hate. I was horrified. How could anyone hate me so intensely? How can one person harbour such hatred? Téo explained, "Where abuse occurs, demons are always present, along with hate." But the hate surrounding me felt far beyond demonic or merely abusive. Téo referred to the repeated sexual abuse I endured as a child from my adoptive father. Lost in thought, I knew it was more than just the pain of being unloved and abused. It was the hate of this world, the pervasive narcissism. The first narcissist was the devil, the fallen angel who aspired to be more than God, who lacked the Father's love and never learned empathy—the adversary.
That morning, almost five years ago, I encountered the devil. Since then, I've witnessed and experienced immense hate in the world. I've visited war zones, shared bunkers with neighbours, and witnessed the profound hate that festers in the wounded souls of people trapped in their inner darkness. I've experienced trauma bonding, loving those who abused me. I know love can heal, but not human love—only God's. By sending His Son to the cross, He demonstrated the ultimate love. I see Jesus' broken, white heart, scarred by the world's wounds. Yet, these wounds are filled with the Father's bubbling, golden love. That heart beats—strong, alive, loving—yearning for the wounded, hateful people, the children trapped in the prisons of their battered souls, their cellars of guilt and shame.
This shame doesn't confine individuals; it permeates nations. My birth country, Germany, bears this burden, branded and hated by its neighbours, deeply humiliated by the narcissism of a regime. The Holocaust shattered Germany, fueling hate within and beyond its borders. Like individuals, nations must descend into their inner cellars, confronting their demons, wounds, and injuries. Failure to do so condemns us to darkness, dragging down those who love and support us.
From personal experience, I know the terror of confronting childhood trauma, of freeing the inner child. Few can do it, but God, in His mercy, guides some through the Holy Spirit into the soul's depths, the prisons of humanity, to liberate others—individuals and nations. Freedom is possible. Job 36:16 states that God sets us in a broad place, free from restriction, rescuing us from distress. But we must do our part: stand up, declare, "Here I am," and choose life, no matter the cost. We must show our neighbours that love heals and makes all things possible. We must surrender to God, allowing Him to work through us, through those who say, "Here I am, use me, Lord. Make me a vessel of Your love, ready to enter the world's prisons, to free abused souls and transform hate into love."
For eighteen months, God has spoken to me about trust (Proverbs 3:5-6), and recently, about surrender—two sides of the same coin. Without surrender, trust is impossible, and without trust, surrender is meaningless. I have surrendered my life to God, so He may send me to the dark places of the world, to the prisons of those consumed by hate, anger, and wrath. To show His love, to be a light, a voice against the world's hate. And I pray that many will heed His call, to be light and love in a narcissistic world.
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